I often scroll through motivational quotes in the mornings as I prepare myself mentally for the day. I came across a quote today which made me think twice about my past friendships and relationships. “Just because I am strong enough to handle pain, doesn’t mean I deserve it.” I started to question myself and the outcomes of those relationships. I wondered if there was anything that I could have done differently to salvage those unions. I compared those relationships to my friendships and imagined different outcomes. Each scenario was different, but somehow I felt the same emptiness at the end of each of them. I did not want it to end. I loved genuinely, and expected the same love in return.
Some would say I loved my friends more than my companion and that’s why my relationships didn’t last. Regardless of whom I loved more, I loved someone that wasn’t willing to stay. I loved someone who didn’t need to stay. I was in love with people who did not care for me the way I wanted them to. II would do favors, and take risks for people who wouldn’t do the same for me. I simply wasn’t good enough as a friend or a lover for them to try and make things work. It took years for me to come to the realization that some things are not always the other persons fault. Sometimes I can be ignorant, or blind to others feelings. There are times when I will admit that I ruined relationships in hopes that I wouldn’t be responsible for anyone else but myself. It wasn’t something I intended to do. I wasn’t fair. I lied. I cheated. I manipulated. I did whatever it took to make myself happy, despite knowing what the consequences were of my actions. I did it anyways. I began to act out first as a form of retaliation. Then, it became a lifestyle. I figured, since I wasn’t good enough for you, someone else would appreciate me more. Luckily for me, they did.
I have an internal rule that I created which allows me to keep myself in check. Sure, I take advice from others, but I mostly do my checks and balances internally. I crave balance. I aim to be fair. After all, everyone deserves justice. Every single friendship I’ve had, I treated them like siblings. I love my siblings dearly and I sometimes believe there is no greater love than that you share with your sibling. Unfortunately, I chose the wrong friends, several times. The friends I chose saw greatness in me that even I didn’t see at the time, and it created a barrier in our friendship that was irreparable. No one will openly admit that they are jealous or envy you. However, they will talk about you in a distasteful manner to make others view you in a negative light. My relentless honesty towards certain situations also made me villain. No matter how I tried, there was no convincing these friends that I was the probably the best friend for them. I eventually walked away from several friendships because I couldn’t look them in the face anymore. How could I want the best for you, and you not want the same for me? How could I defend you in the public eye, all while you sabotage my reputation? I understand now. I just wasn’t good enough.
These days, I can accept that I just simply wasn’t their cup of tea. I appreciate the friends and past lovers who thought I wasn’t good enough for them. Thank God for you all. Because of them, I was able to fall in love with myself. I had no one to hang out with. I had to learn how to enjoy my own company, my own voice, and my inner thoughts. Apparently, I wasn’t good enough for you, but I was just right for me!
